LOOKING GOOD FOR THE RAPTURE
BY A RIEDEL
After the crucifixion, Jesus was worn out. He ached all over and the wounds wouldn't stop bleeding. He had big holes in his hands and feet and he knew, those were going to leave a scar. Really big scars. Impossible to hide. "Good-bye sandals, hello gloves" he thought.
The ascension was a little bumpy and to make matters worse, a sun spot flared as he'd passed into the heavenly dimension which was so hot it singed his hair in the back.
"Oh great," Jesus said, "now I'm going to smell like burnt dog too."
As Jesus materialized in heaven everything was quiet and still. He looked left down the white hall and right down the white hall but saw no one. The polished stone floors glistened in silence. It seemed no one was around to welcome him.
"I wonder where dad is...?" He said to himself.
Suddenly, a big fat white dove flew into the alcove and landed on his shoulder.
"Hello Dove" Jesus said to the bird.
"You look like crap, Lord" the dove replied.
"I know Dove, thank you for telling me." Jesus said with some effort. He was grimacing. His ribs hurt really bad.
"What happened to you down there?" Dove asked.
"Well, it didn't go very well I'm afraid Dove" Jesus said sadly. He held up his hands for Dove to see.
"Your Dad told you that was going to happen, and it did. Why did you go down to that place Lord? It's a horrible place. They are horrible people, they always have been and they always will be."
"Oh now Dove, not all of them are horrible." Jesus replied earnestly. "And the place is not at all horrible, Earth is beautiful. It's beyond beautiful, it's vibrant with life, and there's pristine waters, and cool delicious air, with glorious blue skies; and animals! Such beautiful creatures too. Lions and whales and pink flamingoes, rabbits and snails and elephants..." Jesus' voice trailed off. He hung his head dejectedly.
"Uh-huh." Dove said blandly then cocked her head a bit to see Jesus' face, but his burnt hair hung in front of it. Part of it was still smoking too. A large clear tear drop clung to the Lord's stubbly chin, then it slowly fell like a rock to the cold white stone floor. When she saw this, Dove hung her head too, and snuggled her face against Jesus' cheek.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't God Boy" an arrogant male voice said.
"Go away Lucifer. I am not in the mood for you right now." Jesus said softly.
"Why? What's the matter Lord? Didn't things pan out for you down there, among your beloved human hoards?"
Lucifer suddenly materialized out of thin air, laughing mockingly and looking a lot like Jack Cassidy. His long black cape swirled around his body and his long sleek blonde hair glistened. Lucifer fixed his stunning blue eyes on Jesus and began to pace around him. He had an arrogant smirk on his face as he feigned concern, but in fact he was utterly delighted to see the Lord in this condition. He was enjoying the moment immensely.
"Yes, I can see you've had a hard time of it. You look a mess Jesus. Let's see, what can I do to help you Lord?" He laid a finger on his chin and made a "thinking" face. "I know, you must be hungry. How about a sandwich?" Lucifer held out his hand and a thick ham on rye with sauerkraut appeared on a little red saucer. "Here you go. Would you like some potato salad with that Lord?" His teeth were showing now and his grin grew by the second. He was having a ball.
"No thank you." Jesus replied without looking up.
"This is too much fun", Lucifer thought. His grin could get no wider.
Silence packed the room like cotton in a pill bottle. After a moment Jesus took a deep careful breath. He lifted his head slowly and looked at Satan. "Do you know where my dad is? Where is everybody?"
"I'm afraid I really wouldn't know, brother. Maybe they've all gone to a sporting event. They really don't keep me apprised of their schedules, as you know." These last three words were spoken with emphasis.
"I see." Jesus said looking expressionlessly at Lucifer's grinning face. "Well then, if you'll excuse me please, I really need some first aid and a shower." He turned and began to slowly walk down the long white hall with one arm gently holding his ribs. He was in obvious agony.
"The walk to his room will take all night at this pace", Dove thought. She craned her neck around and seethed at Satan, then quickly stuck out her tongue at him. "He needs to rest now." Dove said. Her little head bobbed up and down with every step Jesus took. "Maybe you ought to go now Satan. Surely you have something better to do than stand alone in the alcove all afternoon."
Lucifer grinned at her and began to sing lightly. "When the red, red robin goes bob-bob-bobbin' along..." then burst into laughter. "Yes, yes, of course" he replied. "I do so hope you're feeling better soon, Jesus." He called down the hall at Jesus' back. "Let me know if I can do anything for you, you will won't you, Lord?"
Lucifer didn't wait for a response, he knew there wasn't going to be one. Then he suddenly disappeared into thin air, and the little red plate with the ham sandwich dropped to the cold stone floor and broke apart, spewing meat, condiments and potato salad in every direction.
"Whoops!" his voice echoed, followed by fading laughter.
"Jerk!" Dove spat.
As Jesus passed by the laundry room he suddenly let out a groan of pain and bent forward wrapping both arms around his stomach. Alarmed, Dove flew off his shoulder and frantically flapped her wings as she circled him.
"Are you all right Lord? What's the matter!" she cried.
"I'm...I'm not going to make it Dove." Jesus managed. Then he keeled over and fell on the ground, out cold. Dove could do nothing to help him. She began to cry as she snuggled herself into the crook of his neck and laid herself against him, as if she could transfer her own life force into him. He didn't move, he didn't even seem to be breathing. Dove closed her eyes and pressed as close to him as she could.
Several hours passed before the clamor of the usual heavenly household voices were heard outside. It was dark now, and they'd apparently had a really good day. There was much laughter and joking as thousands of angels, saints and heavenly host clambered through the front doors, energizing the darkness and flipping on lights. They flew this way and that, racing for bathrooms and heading to various kitchens for snacks, while the saints of course went directly to the catholic floor for mass.
Finally God ambled in surrounded by a tightly packed cadre of smiling beings. Two indescribably gorgeous female angels flanked him, their wispy arms wrapped around his beefy ones. He tugged up his trousers which had become a tad loose at the waist as the group strode loudly to the center of the foyer. He stopped. "Grrr.." he grumbled amiably clearing his throat. "Hi Honey, I'm ho-ome" he bellowed. Two thousand angels cracked up, which was okay because God had cracked himself up as well. He then let loose a thunderous belly laugh.
"All right, all right." God said, sobering himself. "It was a great time everyone, thank you for everything. This was the best birthday party I've ever had. I must retreat now however, and prepare for my son's return." God glanced quickly down at his wrist. "I'm expecting him any moment now" he mumbled. He paused then, with a confused look on his face. "I wonder if I've remembered his expected arrival time correctly." The entire room went as silent as deep space.
"Oh well," he said cheerfully with a shrug. His killer smile hit the room like a hundred lightning bolts. "It wouldn't be the first time I'd screwed something up." The assembly tittered and roared as he chuckled in the Godly way that only he could do. "Goodnight everyone" he said to the room.
"Good night God!" "Happy Birthday Lord!" and similar sentiments rung out from the happy holies as they scattered every which way on foot and on wings to their respective cubby holes and functions.
"Why does he do that? That looking at his wrist thing? He always does that. What's it mean?" a little cherub asked his mate as they flew above the throng toward the cherubs quarters.
"Yeah, I dunno." His mate replied, "I've noticed it too though. It's odd, isn't it?"
"Is he going...you know, senile or something?" the other replied. They then exchanged glances and giggled out loud as they tore up the stairway above the land locked climbers.
God was now blowing kisses to his gorgeous arm hugging party pals, and they in turn giggled and pretended to catch them. God then sighed a very satisfied sigh, smiled, turned and headed left down the long white hall. He was making a beeline for the God Head.
God's living quarters were absolutely immense. He had everything. Indoor tennis courts, swimming pools, cruise ships, mountain climbing, 1,000 star restaurants and a few thousand bedrooms with beds bigger than the state of California. The hallway he was now shuffling down was filled with innumerable portraits on the walls, family on the right, friends and miscellaneous beings on the left.
God's favorite picture of Jesus hung just outside the God Head and he paused briefly to gaze at it. His chest swelled with fatherly pride, and a little crooked smile painted his face. "That's my boy." he said softly. "But I really gotta go!" he added, and briskly pushed through the swinging God Head doors.
As he stood relieving himself a disembodied voice said, "Happy Birthday God. How old are you now anyway?"
God looked up and exhaled loudly. "Lucifer, you are so rude. Can't you wait until I'm done in here?"
Lucifer manifested behind God, leaning against the opposite wall. "Yes well normally I would be more than happy to wait God dear, I really have no desire to watch you pee." Satan rolled his eyes and smirked.
"Well you're going to have to wait, and this is going to take a while." God said, steadily spraying gallons of yellow water into the beautifully shaped, elegant urinal. Forty tiny angels hovered above it, one holding the holy towel, others with exquisitely scented soaps and a foaming bowl of warm holy water.
One minute passed. Then five. Satan was growing visibly restless. He didn't like having his time infringed upon like this, not even by God Almighty. "Who does he think he is anyway?", he often thought to himself. It seemed Satan retained a bit of resentment over losing the job he so wanted for himself.
Now six minutes had passed. "Oh look here God, I don't have all day. How long is this going to take?" Satan snapped haughtily.
"I'm almost done Lucy-Loo, keep your pants on." God snickered. True to his word God finished, stood back and zipped up his pants. Holding his hands up, palms facing outward he said, "All right then. What's up?"
The forty teeny angels immediately zipped through the air and fluttered around God's uplifted hands, washing and scenting them with loving gusto.
"It's Jesus." Lucifer said in a bored monotone voice. "He's dead."
God's eyebrows rose on his face as he stared at the devil. "Excuse me?" he said.
"Jesus. He's dead. Dead on the floor. In the hall. Out there." He pointed toward the right side of the great alcove. "Okay?" he added sarcastically.
"Well why didn't you say so sooner you idiot?" God roared angrily. "Take me to him. Now!"
"All right, all right!" Lucifer squealed as God shoved him through the swinging white doors out into the hall. "Don't be so rough please. There's no need for violence!"
"MOVE IT!" God bellowed. The walls undulated as the space-time continuum vibrated them through several dimensions before settling solidly back into the heavenly plane. God's pointed forefinger ramrodded Lucifer's back bone repeatedly, forcing the devil to shake a leg. He sashayed snobbishly down the hall, across the great alcove, and toward the unlit side of the white hall. The moment he reached the edge of it he stopped in his tracks. He could go no further.
God exhaled impatiently. "Where is he!" he demanded.
Lucifer crossed his legs and arms, then placed a single finger upon his bottom lip. He pointed down the hall and said, "Down there. By the Laundry Room."
God glared at him wanting to rip his pusillanimous face off, then spun on his heel and trudged forcefully into the darkness, quickly disappearing from Lucifer's view.
"That's right! Go ahead! You'll find him!..." Lucifer called out behind him. "You can't miss him really, he's all crumpled up in a big bloody wad on the floor" he said smugly. Smiling wickedly, he deeply inhaled the terrible waft of painful despair God had left behind in the room. "What a delicious mess." Lucifer smiled. "Tasty."
Lucifer knew more would be coming soon, any second now. He straightened his back slightly and gripped for it hungrily.
"Ahhhhhh!" God cried out from the darkness. "Jesus Christ! My son! My boy!"
A blast of utter and desperate deep despair blew out of the hall and washed over Satan. It was laden with agonizing pain and sorrow. He twirled around in it, he rubbed it into his clothes, he sucked it into his lungs and filled his cheeks with it, then swallowed it. He mumbled and mouthed silent words like a madman and hummed from his throat in a bizarre pulse-like guttural rhythm. He was fat pig happy.
Moments later God's clomping footsteps were echoing toward him and he surmised that the Lord was carrying his dead son's broken body back out with him. He quickly mussed his hair and made his face go a little bit pale. He brought forth mournful eyes and tried to wipe the smile off his face as he stood, poised and waiting for God's dramatic entrance.
Unfortunately for Satan, just as God burst into the foyer with Jesus' limp, broken, bloodied body in his arms, the room exploded with heavenly host, who were responding to the booming, heart rending cry of God's pain just moments prior. Massive amounts of love and concern blew the blackness and pain to smithereens. Angels and chosen ones surrounded God, calling out, "What's wrong! What's happened?", and the sounds of fluttering wings ricocheted around the alcove.
Satan was visibly disappointed. "Damn...I've been robbed." he sighed. As he watched the outpouring of love and concern, his upper lip began to curl. Ten seconds later he began to grow nauseous. "Sickening. I'm about to throw up" he said under his breath, gagging.
God's voice boomed out, "Back everyone! Stand back! Make room!" The crowd parted clearing a wide space around the man holding his son in his arms. Ever so gently God kneeled down, and placed Jesus' cold body on the icy floor. He then sat totally still, gazing at the bloodied face of his son. He seemed to be in a trance. Then suddenly, there was a tiny noise, a rustling, no one heard it but God. His eyes opened wide. "What's this?" he asked.
Curious whispering bristled through the heavenly host, the suspense was thicker than French bread. The tiny rustling sound came again, quieter this time, barely there at all, followed by a pathetic little squeak. God's head moved back in surprise. He reached his large hand out toward his son and gingerly placed loving fingers on Jesus' chin, pausing momentarily, and nudged it carefully upward. Underneath it lay a ball of white feathers, thoroughly damp with sweat. God lifted the wet puff from it's place at Jesus' throat and tenderly laid it in his open palm. It was dead too. Suffocated. The host let out a collective sigh.
Satan couldn't take another minute of this. "It's a dead bird. So WHAT? WHO CARES!" he whined.
God looked at Satan. "I care." he said. "Every life matters to me."
Satan rolled his eyes and mocked God with a silly voice, "Oh, every life matters to me. Nyeah nyeah. Big deal. It's a bloody bird! You've got a billion birds down on earth. Toss it in the trash can and be done with the disgusting thing."
By now all eyes were on Lucifer. Everyone stood in silence and just stared at him.
A tall brown haired angel spoke. "Satan, don't you understand what's happened here? Don't you understand what's been lost? Two irreplaceable souls, one of them God's own son. They're ...dead." his voice trailed off. The brown haired angel then began to weep. Soon he was inconsolable, sputtering snot and down on his knees sobbing.
Satan's entire body surface bristled. "Oh come on!" he snorted. "It's not like you can't bring them back to life!"
"While this is true Satan," God said, "it's still a way bummer."
So God brought them both back to life and healed them. He thanked Dove for her devotion and sacrifice and dispersed the ogling host. Finally alone with his son, he looked at him gravely. "We have to talk" he said, then he turned and left the alcove. Jesus followed him.
God trod briskly to the door of his quarters, and as he passed right through them he turned briefly to make sure Jesus was behind him. "Come on son, don't be such a slow poke!" he called out as he clomped down the hallway with a big smile on his face.
About six seconds later there was a resounding thud! Crunch! "Ow!" Conk! "Ohhhh..." Groan.
Jesus was on the floor. After impacting the towering ornate double doors head first chest second toes last, he'd fallen over backward like a telephone pole and smashed his head yet again when it hit the stone floor.
"You have to say "Ala kazam!" God called out, still heading briskly down the hallway.
"I have to say...what??" Jesus whispered out loud. "Is he kidding me?" He looked up at the ceiling and holding his breath he counted to 10. Exhaling slowly, he climbed to his feet. "I will never do that again."
He approached the doors again, holding one hand on his aching head. "Ala kazam" he said, humiliated. His right forefinger poked through first, his body followed suit.
"Are you coming or what, boy!" God called from somewhere down the hall.
Jesus hurried down the hall with the pictures, past the downstairs God Head, and up the 3rd flight of stairs on the right which led up to one of the most beautiful, and most private places in God's house. Already at the door God paused to wait for his son and the second he arrived they went inside.
God's favorite sofa stretched out for miles before them and God took his usual spot at the end, near the giant ethereal plasma view screen, then he patted on the cushion next to him. "Come sit by me son" he said affectionately. Jesus sank down onto the heavenly soft cushion next to his dad. God turned to look at his son, then gently placed a hand on each side of his face, cupping Jesus' cheeks and looking deeply into Jesus' eyes.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
"Yes father, I am. Thank you."
"It didn't go so well down there, did it."
"No father, it didn't...in some ways it didn't but still, it wasn't all bad."
"It wasn't all bad?"
"No father."
"They killed you. What part of that is good, because I'm not seeing it."
"No father, that part wasn't good at all. I really hated that part. I was hoping that part wouldn't happen. I could have skipped that part. Easily." Jesus tried to nod but his fathers hands held his face in a vice grip.
"I told you they would do that. I told you beforehand. I told you - and what? You didn't believe me? You don't believe God? Have I ever lied to you Jesus? Have I ever told you something and it was different from what I said?"
"No father. I mean, yes, of course I believed you, I always believe you, it's just that...I had... hope for them. I just really, had... so much hope for them."
God sighed and let go Jesus' face. He shook his head. "I understand how you feel son, I really do. I've been where you are, you know that. I've been there, and much longer than you have, I've been around for a long time son, right? I understand what you're saying, and I know what you're feeling. But son. They will never change. They don't want to change. In seven thousand years, how many of them did the 10 things I asked of them? Hmm? How many? They don't get it Jesus, they just don't comprehend the obvious. They look right at it and don't see it. It's happened again and again, and - oh - billions of times, as you know. They miss the point, entirely. I don't know son, maybe they're stupid, maybe I built them wrong. But I don't know what else I can possibly do to get their attention. Haven't I tried? Tell me, have I or have I not tried?"
"Yes father, you have tried. Many times, and in many ways. You've met them at their level and you've tried to show them how to get back to the simplicity of it. It's true, many of them will not listen, or as you say, they don't seem able to grasp the obvious."
"But you thought maybe you could do better at it than I?" God smiled.
"Not better father, just different."
"And how did it turn out?"
"Isn't it, too early to tell yet father? I only just got back. I feel I made a difference, somehow. I thought maybe it would take root and grow. Over time, grow strong like a mighty tree. Who couldn't see a mighty tree right in front of them? Even a blind one can see a mighty tree."
"Do you know how much I wish I could tell you that it turned out that way? It would be everything I hoped for, everything I wanted, for them, for all of us. It would be everything there is. No better thing could ever happen. But... I know how it works out, and it pains me to tell you this, and Jesus, incredible as it seems, they only get worse with time."
"How - how much worse?"
"It's the exact opposite of the best thing that could ever be. There literally is, no worse thing than what they do. There is no worse thing than what they become. Except the horror that they do it ... in my name." God's eyes filled with warm tears.
"I...I am sorry father. So very sorry." Jesus put his arms around his father and held him. He could feel his father shaking and he understood the grief he felt. "Can you tell me what they do father? I need to know what they do. What could they become that is the opposite of your greatest hopes for them? I can't begin to imagine anything so terrible."
"See for yourself." God said waving one hand in the air. The giant ethereal plasma view screen suddenly lit up and began replaying the 2,000 years of human history since Jesus' return. Jesus sat transfixed, his big brown eyes staring at the images of war and death and murder and starvation playing out before him. Reflected colors and lights bounced off his soft facial features. He was barely breathing.
"This is terrible..." he finally managed to whisper. "It's all wrong. I didn't make any difference at all." he said, his voice trailing off sadly.
"You ain't seen nothing yet." God said grimly. "It gets much worse. Keep watching."
"Much worse?" Jesus replied. "How is that possible? What could be worse than..."
He stopped in mid sentence as he watched the bombs of Hiroshima and Nagasaki explode over Japan, spewing giant radioactive clouds miles into the air. He watched thousands of innocent people cooked into black crust and thousands of others who managed to survive the blasts suffering indescribably. His hands rose to his face, fingertips covering his mouth. "Holy shit." he said.
"You can say that again son." God added.
"It's insane. It's utter depravity. It's incomprehensible!" Jesus pleaded. "What are they doing? Why? WHY?"
"You tell me and we'll both know" God replied.
"It makes no sense father, what do they think they'll accomplish with all this killing?"
"Peace. What else?"
"They believe mass murder brings peace?" Jesus asked incredulous.
"It would appear to be the case son." God said matter of factly. "It's a planet of insanity I'm afraid. They've all gone nuts. I don't think there's any hope for them."
"They'll never change." Jesus said as he looked down at his feet.
"Oh it's not about change," God said, "they just won't exist anymore. They're hell bent on planet wide suicide. Mass extinction. Every species, gone. Good bye! Sayonara! See ya, wouldn't want to be ya" God said. "Check this out" he added pointing at the screen.
Jesus turned to see images of biological agents being created in secret laboratories, and groups of men at large tables pronouncing their decision to kill three fourths of the planet's populace 'for their own good'. Jesus' eyes spun in his head, which was now aching profoundly. He watched as military men stuffed viruses and bio-warfare agents into airplanes, tons of gallons of soups of toxic death and then the airplanes took off and sprayed entire nations with droplets of virulent death. He watched as billions died and millions suffered the most hideous pangs of death and despair, then rioting breaking out over the chance of a scrap of food or a swallow of now grossly contaminated water. All over the planet police dressed in black uniforms with black helmets beat people in the streets with clubs and shot them with bizarre energy weapons, taking out toddlers and pregnant women without a hint of emotion. They were nothing more than mindless robots, implanted with brain chips and given mechanical body parts. They were no longer human. And under the ground the miserable pieces of human shit who'd arranged it all in secrecy sat at long tables being waited on hand and foot as though they were kings and queens. They were totally unconcerned at the carnage they'd wrought and in fact were celebrating it with expensive glasses of champagne.
"What a bunch of stupid jerks!" Jesus finally said. "What a waste of my time this all was. Why didn't you show me these images before Dad? These would have spared me the painful experience of going down there trying to save their ungrateful lives."
"Did you notice who was sitting at the head of their disgusting table?" God asked him.
Jesus shook his head. "No."
"Play back the table" God said, and it was done. "Zoom to the head of it." The picture now revealed the face of Lucifer, happily glutting himself on the finest foods and wines, clinking glasses while listening to lilting refrains of classical music.
"What a pig." Jesus spat. "I hate him."
"Now Jesus, Lucifer was just doing his job. The planet is his territory. He was there to prove me wrong, and he's won son. It's time we faced it. Evil is more powerful than love, greed is stronger than truth, and people are small minded and selfish with no concern for their fellow man. You've just witnessed it all with your own eyes. Besides, as you can see, they are all gone now. They are all gone."
God stared solemnly out the vast picture windows into a vibrant blue sky stuffed with fluffy white clouds.
The room went silent, each of them with a fixed stare into oblivion. After several moments Jesus spoke. "What does it mean then Dad?"
"That Satan was right. That he's won."
Jesus nodded and looked earnestly at his Dad's ashen face.
"It means nothing really. Just that I lost to him again. Every time I've done this I've always believed in my people, and every time they've proven without a doubt what is more important to them. They don't love me, or you son, they love their evil. They love the killing and the greed and the lies and the cheating and the hoarding of wealth while others go without. It's what gets them off. I think it's time we just admit it and forget the whole lame experiment. I can create an entire universe, but it seems obvious now, I cannot create love."
"Well, it's not for lack of trying Dad." Jesus said reassuringly.
God smiled at him, appreciating his supportive attitude. "Thank you Jesus." he said softly.
"So what does Satan get this time, for winning?"
"The earth. He gets to keep the planet forever. It's his now for keeps, lock stock and barrel. Such a pity. I really thought they could do it. It just goes to show you even God can only do so much when it comes to the hearts of men."
"It's really quite frightening Dad", Jesus said, "I'd never have gone down there if I'd known how truly sick and evil they were."
"Which is precisely why I didn't show you these images first son. I had to give them one last chance so I sent my own flesh and blood."
"And it didn't do a damn bit of good. I understand Dad, no hard feelings. Of course you'd want to give them every chance. I do hate the thought of them all burning in eternal hell and damnation though."
"Yeah. Me too. But like you said, it's not like I didn't try."
The two men looked at each other then hugged. There were a few sniffles and then Jesus spoke. "Well Dad, forget them then. It's time to let it go. We have lots of other things to do. Right?"
"Damn straight!" God replied, then he let out a hearty Santa style laugh.
"I missed your birthday didn't I?" Jesus said with new energy. "I have to make that up to you!"
"What do you have in mind?" God asked, almost giggling. "I'm game!"
"Well it's a surprise!" Jesus said as he grabbed God's hand. "But I'll give you a hint on the way."
As they left the room together their excited voices echoed in the halls. "Have I ever told you about these two unbelievably gorgeous angels I saw a while back?"
"No you haven't! Do tell!"
...................................
THE END
